Recently I have struggled with myself as an artist. Hell, lets just say….as a person.
We all want to be liked, we want people to notice us. The little intricacies in our work that we hold so dear, the detail, time, energy and love…..we wish others would notice. But they dont. They see it, the “concept”. A pretty photo. They dont feel it, not the way we do. You post this work, that you love, took time and energy to create and it somehow doesnt seem as shiny out there for the world as it does to just you.
Self doubt is a MF. (I am sure you know what that abbrhreviation stands for)
The only person you are holding back is yourself. It will hold you back, sabotage and alienate your ability to carry on a normal life (abnormal, if you are me).
My very dear friend Miss A, told me “Just put your work out there. Putting stock into what social media thinks of you is like gambling with all of your money. Your worth is for you to determine. Don’t give that power to someone else.”
One thing I hold dear to me are my friends and fellow collaborators. Those who will grab me by my theoretical shoulders and shake the ever loving shit out of me. And you know what? I need it. I need abrhasive confrontation. Why, you ask? Well, having deaf parents….your whole life is based around being direct. There is no such thing as “beating around the bush”. So, in these situations, I NEED my friends to grab me and say, “Hey! <insert explative> Stop the self hatred! Its total crap and it hurts my feelings.” Saying “I hurt your feelings” is like your parents telling you “I am disappointed”. THE WORST.
Em is a model/ musician/ poet/ mom/ superhuman. We collaborate together. We chat, we laugh, share ideas and really value eachother as artists.
Recently we did a shoot where she pushed me out of my comfort zone. So much, that I didnt know what to do! It was like, “Oh my god, this is the most perfect thing in the world! How do I work with this and not break it?! Make it look cheesy? I should have done everything different. Maybe people will think the editing is too heavy…..”
I sat and obsessed about this series. Probably for a good month or two. (More like three)
I edited this series about 4 times. Trying different filters, different editing techinques. This was something that was SO out of my norm, I felt my editing had to be different as well. I over thought it. Obsessed over it. The fact that I COULDNT love it was killing me.
POINT? I am getting there:
Em (Super human) asked if she could use the photos for a blog post. I couldnt say no. That was the moment. I had to “put my work out there”. It was the universe telling me to get over it. So, I figured I would post my own blurb about life. The last 72 hours of mine, at least. Which seem really intense, but as I am writing it really kind of deflates. *scratches head* Maybe I ought to blog more often.
Lets face this insecurity shit, head on.
The shoot was based off of “The twelve dancing princesses”. She was the one who didnt get away.
Hair, makeup and Photography by Kat St. John.
for more of my makeup collaborations, visit http://www.katstjohnmua.com. Let me know what you think of these! ❤